Well here I am. Two weeks until our little girl is due to arrive. Where has time gone?! I have probably said this before but every day with her inside me is just amazing. I don't know if I'm ready for her to leave me. But I am ready to meet her face to face. I'm ready to kiss those chunky cheeks the sonograms have showed. I'm ready for her to wrap her little fingers around mine. I'm ready for her to meet her daddy, and for all of us to spend forever together.
I'm ready to be mommy.
Yet, I'm scared. This feeling has suddenly appeared. I haven't been nervous my entire pregnancy. But now I wonder if my body can handle giving birth. What if I'm not cut out for it? Not knowing exactly what will happen scares me the most. It is only human to think of the "what if's"...and believe me those have been on my mind lately. Plus I'm a daily planner. Butthis is all out of my hands. And that's a scary feeling. I never wanted to be induced, even a week ago I would have said she'll come when she's ready. But now I want it planned out as much as possible. Still, there's no guarantee what will happen.
'The Emotions' You can skip this section if you want, I just had to get some feelings out!
My last doctors appointment did not go so well. I saw another doctor for the 'just in case' scenario that my regular doctor wouldn't be able to deliver. Without going into detail and bashing this doctor (because I'm sure this doctor is actually a great person) I left crying uncontrollably. First, the appointment was extremely painful for me and caused immediate bleeding. Let's just say this doctor was not very gentle. And secondly I was just not comfortable with this doctor in the least. The appointment was very textbook and I suddenly felt alone and scared.
The doctor wrote me an ultrasound referral because with a concerned look she said 'I'm measuring very small'. Yes, I know this, my real doctor knows this, and in fact my real doctor doesn't even measure me anymore. I told her I've already had a growth ultrasound at 31 weeks and everything was normal. Had she not looked at my record? I have been measuring small my entire pregnancy. Plus isn't it normal to have 'dropped' by now anyway? But she insisted. Now, I won't refuse going to see my little girl one last time, but that's not the point. Being nine months pregnant and about to give birth can be a very emotional time. Having a complete stranger refer you to get your baby checked out is actually quite scary. I know there is nothing wrong, but all day long I began doubting myself... trying to make her move around when I didn't feel her for awhile and wondering what if something IS wrong.
After being checked I got dressed and the doctor came back in and went on to say "if the baby stops moving ..."if you have a lot of bleeding"... and on and on. At this point I was done. I didn't want to hear any of that at that time from her. I rushed out the door and began tearing up the parking lot to hubby (who was with me) and said I do not want to give birth, I don't know that I can as I stared at the hospital across the street. I was completely stressed and scared out of my mind. The rest of the day I felt so emotionally overwhelmed I was nearly sick to my stomach. I could not stop crying.
I didn't realize that making one appointment with another doctor would be so petrifying at this point in pregnancy. I now realize how much I appreciate and take comfort in my regular doctor. I know that part of my emotional breakdown is pregnancy hormones. For the most part she was just doing her job. But I can't deny how I felt.
I'm hoping going back to my regular doctor this week and seeing her again this Friday will help ease my mind!
In the end I know it will all be completely worth it. I just have to get to the end...the new beginning.
Other pregnancy notes: -Yep, now you all know I have that nice dark line on my belly! But I'm thanking my lucky stars...still no stretch marks! -Weight gain is holding steady at 15lbs. Her heartbeat was 145-150bpm. And no dilation yet :/ -Bags are just about packed (Addison's more so than mine). I'm still slacking on that just a tad. A definite TO DO this week! -I believe everything else is ready!! Come on baby girl :)