Monday, September 5, 2011

38 weeks & Emotions

2f
The Excitement
Well here I am. Two weeks until our little girl is due to arrive. Where has time gone?! I have probably said this before but every day with her inside me is just amazing. I don't know if I'm ready for her to leave me. But I am ready to meet her face to face. I'm ready to kiss those chunky cheeks the sonograms have showed. I'm ready for her to wrap her little fingers around mine. I'm ready for her to meet her daddy, and for all of us to spend forever together.

I'm ready to be mommy.
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The Scary
Yet, I'm scared. This feeling has suddenly appeared. I haven't been nervous my entire pregnancy. But now I wonder if my body can handle giving birth. What if I'm not cut out for it? Not knowing exactly what will happen scares me the most. It is only human to think of the "what if's"...and believe me those have been on my mind lately. Plus I'm a daily planner. But this is all out of my hands. And that's a scary feeling. I never wanted to be induced, even a week ago I would have said she'll come when she's ready. But now I want it planned out as much as possible. Still, there's no guarantee what will happen.

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'The Emotions'
You can skip this section if you want, I just had to get some feelings out!
My last doctors appointment did not go so well. I saw another doctor for the 'just in case' scenario that my regular doctor wouldn't be able to deliver. Without going into detail and bashing this doctor (because I'm sure this doctor is actually a great person) I left crying uncontrollably. First, the appointment was extremely painful for me and caused immediate bleeding. Let's just say this doctor was not very gentle. And secondly I was just not comfortable with this doctor in the least. The appointment was very textbook and I suddenly felt alone and scared.

The doctor wrote me an ultrasound referral because with a concerned look she said 'I'm measuring very small'. Yes, I know this, my real doctor knows this, and in fact my real doctor doesn't even measure me anymore. I told her I've already had a growth ultrasound at 31 weeks and everything was normal. Had she not looked at my record? I have been measuring small my entire pregnancy. Plus isn't it normal to have 'dropped' by now anyway? But she insisted. Now, I won't refuse going to see my little girl one last time, but that's not the point. Being nine months pregnant and about to give birth can be a very emotional time. Having a complete stranger refer you to get your baby checked out is actually quite scary. I know there is nothing wrong, but all day long I began doubting myself... trying to make her move around when I didn't feel her for awhile and wondering what if something IS wrong.

After being checked I got dressed and the doctor came back in and went on to say "if the baby stops moving ..."if you have a lot of bleeding"... and on and on. At this point I was done. I didn't want to hear any of that at that time from her. I rushed out the door and began tearing up the parking lot to hubby (who was with me) and said I do not want to give birth, I don't know that I can as I stared at the hospital across the street I was completely stressed and scared out of my mind. The rest of the day I felt so emotionally overwhelmed I was nearly sick to my stomach. I could not stop crying.

I didn't realize that making one appointment with another doctor would be so petrifying at this point in pregnancy. I now realize how much I appreciate and take comfort in my regular doctor. I know that part of my emotional breakdown is pregnancy hormones. For the most part she was just doing her job. But I can't deny how I felt.

I'm hoping going back to my regular doctor this week and seeing her again this Friday will help ease my mind!
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In the end I know it will all be completely worth it. I just have to get to the end...the new beginning.


Other pregnancy notes:
-Yep, now you all know I have that nice dark line on my belly! But I'm thanking my lucky stars...still no stretch marks!
-Weight gain is holding steady at 15lbs. Her heartbeat was 145-150bpm. And no dilation yet :/ 
-Bags are just about packed (Addison's more so than mine). I'm still slacking on that just a tad. A definite TO DO this week!
-I believe everything else is ready!! Come on baby girl :)

18 comments:

x S.K.K x said...

Come on baby Addison! Im so sorry you had a rough time with the new doctor but I'm sure once you see YOUR doctor all of your worries and doubts will be put to rest! enjoy these last weeks before your special girl arrives!!!!

Elena said...

I would hate to have to deal with another doctor at this point in pregnancy, so I totally understand how you feel.
Also as far as measuring small, you know I am actually the same way and my doctor told me that I probably won't get to big, because I am so thin/small ( though I am tall) and because my birth weight was pretty small for a girl my height. So he told me my baby will probably be on the smaller side as well and he's not concerned.

It never hurts to check, of course, but she could have been a bit more tactful about it.

Did you check into your and your husband's birth weight? That could be an indication of your baby's weight.

Also, i think with most of our population being overweight, your small size stands out a lot more than normal.

Good Luck and can't wait to read the next post which will hopefully be birth story :)

Courtney @ One Fine Wire said...

You can totally do this! I'm so sorry, too, that this doctor made you so upset. I'm not quite sure they don't understand that somebody who makes us comfortable is what we need!

Hang in there, you look beautiful!

Sarah said...

You look gorgeous. Love these shots. I am so sorry about your horrible appointment. Praying you are a little more relaxed after seeing your regular doctor. I am praying she is here soon.

Jessica said...

Totally not trying to plug my blog here, but if you're interested, go search it for "birth" and you'll find my birth story. I was induced at 40+6 (earlier entries agonize over whether that was the right decision) and, while it was long (almost 24 hours), I had a very easy, do-able birth. You only hear the horror stories and not the regular stories - you CAN do this. I was TERRIFIED of giving birth, and while I'm not all, "Whee that was fun!" there is no reason to be terrified. Our bodies are amazing. Stay calm and enjoy the experience. Best of luck and I hope she doesn't stay in there past your due date! I know those last few weeks can be sooooo long.

Mandy@ a sorta fairytale said...

I totally remember having ALL of those emotions. But the human body is amazing and you will be surprised what you will be able to endure/do. You will be just fine!! And I'm sorry about your stressful appointment :( I'm sure that doctor was just playing it safe, but still!... it had to be hard. Best of luck my dear!!

TeresaG said...

So sorry you are going through this...after 40 weeks of bedrest and an NST every other day for the last 2 weeks of my prgnancy I was a basket case...my son was 2 weeks late but healthy and perfect! Wishing you the absolute best! Your precious baby girl will be here before you know it and everything will be just perfect!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Natalie said...

I think everything you are feeling is totally normal at this point!
I was literally 10 minutes ago telling my husband that I just have conflicting feelings. I feel scared but I don't know why. I am certainly excited and ready. Some days I want her to come NOW and other days I want her to keep baking for another year haha! I hope seeing your doctor again will ease your mind! Hopefully that other doctor will not have to deliver or else will have much better bedside manners if she does!

Ashley said...

Hey sweetie, everything you are feeling is normal! I'm SO sorry you had a bad experience with the other doctor. I swear ALL of my friends (myself included) had major paranoia about not having their own doctors. You pick that person for a reason and no-one else will do! Just have faith that your doctor will be there for you. Be sure to express your feelings to your doctor because she will totally do everything she can to be there for you if you she knows it means a lot to you. Ahh, I am totally feeling your pain and sending you hugs! The next few weeks are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions but you will do great in labor. Even if it doesn't go well, it's one day of your life and you will have your baby after! Ok I'm rambling. Keep us posted! XO

best pre workout supplement said...

I can't wait to see baby Addison.. Until your next story.. take care!

Jessie Szmanda said...

{{{Hugs}}} These last couple weeks have SO many emotions dear friend. I can feel everything you are saying. Just hold your head up high, everything will be just fine. And as for labor - your body takes over 100% let it do what it needs to do, it knows. Sending you love and happy thoughts through this time!

Elizabeth said...

You are so cute preggo! I am sure you will do just fine hun! I'm so sorry the one doctor was so awful. Here's to hoping you have nothing but a smooth sailing from here on out until your little one is in your arms.

Beverly said...

Jes, You and Addison are going to do this beautifully. Talk your anxiety out with your regular doctor and in the rare instance that the other one has to deliver just focus on this person knows what they are doing and is there to insure that Addison makes it safely into your arms. Your pregnancy photography has been beautiful!

Ms. J said...

Praying you will overcome your fears- although I am sure they are very natural and I will be experiencing the same feelings in a couple months!! You look great!! I keep checking for updates to see if your beautiful little girl has made her arrival :) It's SO SOON!!

Joanna said...

one word: PERFECTION!!!! I love the one with you and your furry baby!

Anne U said...

I had no idea you were this far along already, time flies. Good luck, you'll do great. I told the nurse "it" wasn't coming out, how could I push this huge baby out. She told me the contractions don't hurt as much when you push, that was all I needed to hear. The human body really can do it.

You look great too, kinda jealous of your 15 lb. weight gain, I'm sure I'll gain 40 lb. again, but that's just the way my body works I guess.

Tara said...

I know I already told you this, but you are so gorgeous pregnant! Your belly is so beautiful! Love it! Gorgeous Gorgeous pictures! Love it!

LEA said...

Hi, I'm a new follower!!
Ok, I realize this is several months old now that your precious baby girl is 9 months old, but in rereading you were nervous I feel quite relieved!
I have about 10 weeks left and I have had a few freak out moments in the last few days trying to figure out if I can handle "giving birth!" I'm scared to death!!

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